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Find a reason to smile - Self-Inflicted Cruelty [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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Find a reason to smile [Jan. 18th, 2009|02:44 pm]
Sometimes, I'll grab myself two ibuprofin for a headache and wonder what will happen if I toss back a handful.

Sometimes, I'm driving down the road and wonder what will happen if I suddenly jerk the wheel to the right.

Each time something like this happens, my heart pounds and I feel sick even though I hadn't done anything, just barely thought it.  It's strange and random.

I have a father who was terrified that I was going to become a Satanist, to the point of almost threatening to disown me, and at the same time, the man swears he has no particular religious affiliation.

I was known as a witch for four years in high school and only discovered this towards the end of my senior year.  That does explain why most people left me alone.

I'm know as a sweet, cute girl by most who know me now and I wonder what they would think if they actually knew me.  What would they think if they knew it hurt my lips to smile at them, no matter how automatic the smile was? 

I think of the end of my days and I don't think of Heaven or Hell or a new life or an endless garden.  I think of rotting in the ground, worms all around, perhaps an explosion of chemically-treated organs if they didn't do the coffin right.